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Post by comet on Sept 22, 2009 20:30:04 GMT
Hi Ben,
There is only one person in this life that you "have" to get on with, Yourself..
You may be thrown by circumstance in with people who simply dislike you because of where you are from or what you do, they may in fact be jealous of your ability to play guitar or write.
But you can always relocate, after a while,
You will connect with others, people with similar interests once you settle in, Then you may in fact be glad and not chose the company of these flatmates.
There is no reason in the world why anyone in life should get on with everyone else.
People are simply "Different" there WILL be people you are just NEVER going to get on with, Don't waste your time and energy trying to get on with them. Move on. Do your own thing and you will find others with similar interests, I am sure there are dozens of "Interest" groups on the campus, music, outdoor pursuits, etc. pick the ones that interest you and join up with people with whom you do have something in common to start with.
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Post by comet on Sept 22, 2009 20:49:56 GMT
Hi Nicola,
There is usually something that causes the gang or pack mentality in a group of people.
They may be jealous that you have a degree,
I suspect because you have a degree that you are also paid more than some of them, even though they have been there longer.
Clearing the air with a "Full and frank discussion" or a good old fashioned row may do the world of good, If you feel you owe any apologies to any of these people, make them quickly and sincerely to them alone (Separated from their support pack).
Best of luck tomorrow, be strong,
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Post by BenCMitchell on Sept 22, 2009 21:03:15 GMT
Ben: I went through university not making any friends at all. I made one in the final year, but he turned into a psycho, and set my problems back further still. Although you may think that being left alone to your studies is an advantage, you may find your luck change in seminars and coursework when you are relentlessly thrown into groups. And feel free to discuss your problems. It's always nice to learn that you are not alone, and ot some kind of freak.  Hi Nicola Thanks for that. Its comforting to know that people are out there to talk to (you as wll Comet). One thing that I do to see if people judge me on my appearance is to look at their facial expressions when they first see me. A lot of this happened obviously, at Freshers Week. Whenever I introduce myself to someone, I always do what I think is right - smile, offer a handshake, ask them their name, etc. I get the information asked for, in a sort of grunt, and the smile I offered is not returned. Instead there is a mild look of 'my god' and a quick glance round to see who else is around to talk to. After 3 nights out trying to introduce myself to people, hoping to get the same reactions from people that I offer, I have given up trying to introduce myself any more. This is my second night in, and to be honest, I enjoy much more talking to mature, sensible people people here, who don't judge me. Saying this, no-one here has met me yet... Hopefully our problems will sort themselves out Nicola! Cheers Ben P.S You should be proud that you are the only one with a Degree - that is a huge achievement that no-one else in your workplace has accomplished! Good luck tomorrow - I will dedicate one of my practise sessions to you!  |
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Post by martindn on Sept 22, 2009 21:04:42 GMT
Well said Paul! Ben, you will find your friends. When I was at Uni it took a while, but I eventually found a group of people I got on with. I'm sure you will do the same. The Londoners all stuck together, those from more rural parts were regarded as less trendy, and found it hard. But there will be others there like you. You just need time to find them.
There is a lot of posing goes on, and everyone thinks they are the bees knees to start with. But in the end you are all just people, even if you are talented people, who have won a place at university.
Nicola, I think I understand. I'm going to be brutally blunt. You have a degree, and the rest are trying to prove to themselves that you are no better than they are. They resent the fact that you have achieved what you have. They probably call you a "stuck up b**ch" behind your back. As far as they are concerned you are a young kid, straight out of uni. And probably paid more than they are. You have less experience in the job than they do, so they resent the fact that you know things that they don't, and can out think them, yet there are things that they have done for years that you are not up to speed with. Uni, if it does anything, teaches you to think.
But the fact is as I found out in similar circumstances, you can learn from them and they can learn from you. It cuts both ways, and if you can maintain a positive attitude, and not react, you might yet win them over.
It is all about working as a team. Each member can bring something to the team, and each member needs to feel valued.
So you should never belittle anyone else's efforts even if they are less able than you are (not that I am suggesting that you do that). The attitude you need is we are all a team and we work together to achieve the objectives of the organisation. That is what we are paid to do. It sounds as if a few heads need to be bnged together. I might ask why your boss isn't doing it.
Hope this helps
Martin
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Post by dutchjoyce on Sept 22, 2009 21:12:28 GMT
Hi Nicola, Ben and others.
I read, when Nicola started this yesterday, several times, and hoped i understood it right. I hope my English, i good enough to understand the problem, and give my opinion to this. Just as Comet said, there are so many different people, and it is in my eyes impossible to handle with everyone. Don't foget....you .. is you, a unique person, and if others have problems with you, or dislike you, it is their problem, and not yours !!!!
Greetz JOYCE
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Post by grant on Sept 22, 2009 22:31:34 GMT
Hi Nicola
You have already been given some great advice and I have kept out of it so far, but admit to thinking from your first post "Umm, they're jealous of you" and it sounds as though that may be true.
Like Martin, I'm going to be blunt by saying that you are also a very outspoken person and have a reputation for 'saying it how it is' rather than saying what you think people want to hear. BUT that is who you are and there's nothing wrong with that - you have to be true to yourself at the end of the day.
In your workplace, however, these two sides of you - your degree and your outspokenness are working against you and you have to either accept that the people you work with are not going to like you or try to work something out with them.
One way to do the latter might be to have another meeting with them - but this time a constructive rather than destructive one. OK, you've found out they don't like you for one reason or another, try to encorage them to tell you how they would like you to be. You may not like what they say, but hopefully it will show them that you are trying to work with them.
Whatever you decide to do, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you have a better day than you did today.
Love
Grant
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Post by grant on Sept 22, 2009 22:45:52 GMT
Hi Ben I never went to University and never had to live with people I didn't know or, potentially, didn't like but I can understand that throwing different types of people together could easily be a recipe for disaster. I had problems in my early days at school having been taught to speak properly from an early age when most in my school hadn't. I was different and that caused jealousy - as in Nicola's case - and resulted in serious bullying for me at times. I did make friends though because, just as you will, I found people I could relate too. It's early days yet and I suspect you have a lot of people still to meet. From what I understand Freshers week is just an excuse for drinking and stuff and coming from Cornwall, I suspect most of your fellow students have never been - probaly don't even know that you've got roads and electricity down there! Hopefully have a chance to talk more on Saturday and anyway, your flatmates are going to be real jealous when you show them a photo of Hayley with her arm around you!  Best wishes Grant |
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Post by BenCMitchell on Sept 22, 2009 22:58:45 GMT
Hopefully have a chance to talk more on Saturday and anyway, your flatmates are going to be real jealous when you show them a photo of Hayley with her arm around you! Hi Grant Haha! Extremely jealous because 3 of my flatmates are female singers! If Hayley does put her arm round me, I will never wash that jumper again! Thanks for that Grant, that has cheered me up somewhat! Ben |
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Post by Elliot Kane on Sept 23, 2009 0:18:32 GMT
Ben... I think I see your problem: you're coming across as too eager and too old. Instead of bright smile and handshake, try "Hi, I'm Ben," with a nod, a very slight smile and NO handshake. If you look around you, I'm sure you are the only person offering a handshake at first meeting. Seeming like an eager puppy when first meeting someone is a really bad idea as it looks desperate. It might also help if you invited yourself along when the others are going out rather than waiting to be invited. A lot of the time, when someone says "We are going out in..." they expect you to say if you want to come along and they will assume you don't if you say nothing. They may not be deliberately excluding you at all... *** Nicola... I am starting to suspect that your real problem is not a lack of communication skill, but simply being in a job that is too low grade for you and surrounded by people who are not going to like you whatever you do because of the chips on their shoulders. You are a Masai amongst Pygmies and they resent you accordingly. I know how hard it is in the current climate, but I think you need to look for a job more in line with your abilities. Once surrounded by people who will not sulk because of a piece of paper, you'll be much more able to get on with others, I'm sure  I suspect you'll be vastly happier once you reach management level, too. *** It's a hard thing to discover, I know, but there are some people in life who will take against you because you are too smart, too attractive, too educated, too loud, too quiet, too something or anything - and those people will never like you, regardless of what you do. Because what they really dislike is not you at all, but something in themselves. That's why it's always important to have a few friends who like you for who you ARE. The rest of the world can go howl, then. Oh, and anyone who says they have MANY friends is not being entirely candid. So don't believe them |
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Post by BenCMitchell on Sept 23, 2009 17:47:28 GMT
I think I see your problem: you're coming across as too eager and too old. Instead of bright smile and handshake, try "Hi, I'm Ben," with a nod, a very slight smile and NO handshake. If you look around you, I'm sure you are the only person offering a handshake at first meeting. Seeming like an eager puppy when first meeting someone is a really bad idea as it looks desperate. I'm sorry Elliot, but introducing myself in that manner is part of my personality. I like to show myself as polite and mature. I appreciate you suggesting alternative methods for getting to know people, but if you or anyone else were introduced to me and I just nodded and muttered my name with a half smile, you would think I'm rude. It works for some people, but not for me. Ben |
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Post by Elliot Kane on Sept 23, 2009 20:37:10 GMT
Ben... I don't doubt you make an excellent impression on people twice your age, but i suspect you are simply TOO mature to get on all that well with people your own age. Would I be right in thinking you feel more comfortable around older people, normally? This won't actually be a bad thing once you get out of education and into the wider world, where employers will doubtless see you as mature, responsible and polite. But it won't win you many friends in college, I'm afraid. Still, the important thing is that you have the confidence to be yourself. That's very rare and worth a lot more than the approval of your peers |
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Post by Dean McCarten on Sept 23, 2009 21:56:04 GMT
I don't doubt you make an excellent impression on people twice your age, but i suspect you are simply TOO mature to get on all that well with people your own age. Would I be right in thinking you feel more comfortable around older people, normally? It's ok Ben, I have this issue myself, but there are a few expections to that  Dean |
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Post by Jono on Sept 24, 2009 15:23:50 GMT
Nicola,
I was shocked to read your first post in this thread, and even more shocked when I read your follow-up posts. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. I didn't really have a lot to offer, as you were already getting great advice, and I'm in no way experienced on the matter. However, I will add a few words of my own now.
Your colleagues are nasty and lack professionalism, regardless of how much your personality may clash with theirs. This sort of 'singling out' happens regularly in human interaction, so I'm sure it isn't that you aren't likeable.
I dont claim any real psychological knowledge at all...but I gather that the reason these people react to you in the wrong way is either because you are extraverted, and your personality is threatening to others (i.e. speaking over them). OR conversely, you are introverted and aren't getting the message accross correctly (i.e. because of improper body language and emotion).
I'm personally somewhere closer to the middle of the intro-extra scale, maybe a little more intro. One suggestion I would make is that you take a little time to think about anything you are going to say, put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how they would react to it, and adjust the tones where necessary (though I'm sure we all subconsciously do this anyway). If you think you need professional help I'm sure there are options available over there, maybe a GP would be a good starting point?
As for your colleagues. Let them think what they want, they aren't your friends, and aren't important. It is the people that you interact with on a personal level that count. On face value, maybe you should tell them that you will try your best to adjust the things that they (for whatever reason) don't like. You are free to hold grudges inside, but keeping your job and reputation is important. They'll likely realise that you are much more mature and professional than they are (maybe they'll even learn a valuable lesson for the future, who knows).
Anyway, like I said, I'm not a psychologist so most of this may not be helpful - just my personal suggestions.
Best of luck, Nicola.
Jono
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Post by Jono on Sept 24, 2009 15:52:48 GMT
Hi Ben,
In my (nearly) four years of University, I haven't made many new friends. I would say 2 maybe 3 good friends that I now meet outside of lecture/ study time. The main reason is that I had a few existing friends that were attending with me (and I've lived in the same city all my life), so I wasn't really taken out of my comfort zone, and didn't have much reason to go out and meet new people. You will find that your experience is much more valuable for the future.
Like Elliot, I would suggest against approaching people and greeting them with a handshake. That is the appropriate greeting in the work place, but not really amongst students. I'm not a highly extraverted person who is good at meeting new people, but I've found that the best place to meet students is during classes or when you are doing group work. Strike up a conversation by asking them what they are planning to major in (if it isn't obvious), or how hard they think the next test is going to be....leave the introductions for later, when you have had a decent conversation. You may think it is rude, but it is more the informal context which demands informal conversations.
Don't worry so much about not being successful this early, friendships take a long time to develop. The good mates I made at Uni didn't become mates overnight.
Good luck!
Cheers
Jono
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Post by Dean McCarten on Sept 24, 2009 15:57:57 GMT
As for your colleagues. Let them think what they want, they aren't your friends, and aren't important. It is the people that you interact with on a personal level that count. Hi Nic, I completely agree with Jono on this, but I don't have any further advice, However I would like to remind you that you are a good and kind person and you have many more people who think fondly of you than the minor number of people involved in upsetting you. Also you may find a position somewhere where you are finally realised for the asset you clearly are, as your review website has clearly shown. Please remember that even if you stand alone, you are never without support. I am honored to have had the chance to meet you and I'd be pleased to call you a friend Dean |
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