Please help

[nicola]

Hello guys,

After suffering from social phobia for four years, my interpersonal communication skills are simply awful and they are really starting to hold me back. My intentions are so often misinterpreted that many people take an immediate dislike to me. So many times I try to help people, but it gets thrown back in my face simply because of how I approached the situation. After enduring a colleague giving me a stern telling off as if I were a child in front of other colleagues today (which was very humiliating) after I tried to help her with a query (she was about to make an error, so I cut in before she made it), I have come back home feeling worse than ever.

Not that I blame my colleague, I have endured too many similar reactions to know that it's me doing something wrong rather than the world having it wrong (I just wished she took me aside about it).

Point is, I am prompted to find something somewhere; a therapist, a support group, anything, to help me with my communication skills. But after searching the internet, I can't seem to find anything suitable? They are all business courses to do with managerial communication. Is there anything out there that just helps silly people like me that simply can't communcate properly? For just normal every day people and nothing to do with business? I can't find anything.

[sharon]

Hi Nicola,

So weird reading this, because I also actually have had a social phobia for many years when I was a teenager. I recognise everything you write.
But I did not expect to find this topic on a forum like this...

Anyway. I still have difficulties with communicating, but I have coaches who help me when needed.
I don't know if in your country such people or a facility exist?
I have one coach from school and one for outside activities.
She really became more like a friend.

I've changed in two years from awfull misunderstood helpless girl, into a little more convident lady.
I'm still not really the way I want to be, far from that even.
But I am thinking more positive then I did for 2-3 years ago.

I don't know what had caused your phobia?
But I have had many troubles because my mother got ill when I was 8 years old.
It all had a big impact on me (which I did not realize back then)
Besides that, I am Highly sensitive, which also makes it even more difficult.

I don't live in your country, so I don't know any places where you can go to, but I'm sure there might be forums or websites with all the info about help you need-looking for.
In my country there is a lot of help, so there must be in yours as well.

I really hope you can find something-someone, cause if this get's in your way, you don't have a life...believe me, I know

Good luck

Sharon

[Elliot Kane]

Nicola...

It sounds to me like your problem may be one of over-compensation. Would I be right in thinking that you are trying to counteract your feelings of social awkwardness by attempting to appear very confident, and that this results in others feeling you are arrogant or over-bearing? Where you try to help from the best of intentions, others assume you are being rude, patronising or condescending?

If so, your answer would be to try sounding more like you are offering suggestions rather than giving orders. Use more equivocal words and phrases like 'perhaps', 'maybe' or 'if' a little more. Try to soften the tones you speak in. You'd be surprised at how great a difference those things can make.

Hope this helps

[BenCMitchell]

Hi Nicola

If its any consolation, I have found that your reviews on your website are more honest and well written than almost any other reviews that I have read elsewhere. The reason I am saying this is that you do not at all portray yourself as someone having different communication skills. The way you express your opinions through your writing is very articulate and understanding. I am sure that everyone else on this forum would agree with me that you are a major asset to the HWI, through your reviews and your brilliant website.

I sometimes have problems talking to people, and being misunderstood. This has been made much worse by Freshers Week, as I am in a new environment, and know no-one at all! People look and listen to me and quickly move on, and I am trying to overcome this by getting out and actually listening to how people communicate. Its early days yet, but it should help!

Anyway, I am sorry if what I have said is a bit 'off the point', but, like I said, the way you write and express your opinions through written words shows to me that you are very articulate, clever, and confident in your opinions - I wish I could be like you!

Cheers

Ben

[artcorner]

Hi Nicola, your GP can refer you to see a counsellor which will be free, if you can contend with waiting lists...

[Nordly]

Hi Nicola,

I agree with Ben. Your reviews are wonderful, and you certainly can communicate well via text.

I wish you confidence in this matter. I can not recommend anyone in particular to help you, but I hope you find someone.

~NL

[larryhauck]

Hi Ben,
I would recommend reading Dale Carnegie's book, " How To Win Friends and Influence People". It's been around for years and is still effective. Also people like to talk about themselves, so try to elicit them to do so. And learn to be a good listener.

Larry

[Andrew]

Hi Nicola and everybody else,

Whilst studying for my first Degree back in 1992, I studied subjects including sociology, interpersonal communication, group communication and organisational communication.

If you're interested in learning about interpersonal communication and body language, I would recommend reading the following text as an introduction to the subject:

The Psychology of Interpersonal Behaviour (by: Michael Argyle).

There's a link to this text here

You can find plenty of texts which cover the subject in more detail later.

I hope this helps!

Andrew

[amptique]

Hi Nicola,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having difficulties. You have received a number of excellent recommendations but I thought I would jump in with one of my favorites. That is "7 habits of Highly Effective People" by Dr. Stephen R. Covey. We used this book many years ago to improve communications and relationships between a large group of middle managers and had tremendous success. Many of the participants indicated that it not only helped with their business communications but also improved their relationships with friends and family. Here is a link to his website.

www.stephencovey.com/

His books are available at most bookstores.

Good Luck, Nicola.

Bill

[nicola]

Thanks to everyone who posted and gave advise. I have read books on this, and strangely enough, I also studied communication at A level. I am very aware of a lot of things, I am just incapable of putting them into practice, and feel that I really need a support group, or a councillor.

I have had the most upsetting day of my life after I called for a meeting at work. I can't bring myself to discuss it on a public forum. But it was bad. Very, very bad.

[martindn]

Hi Nicola,

Very sorry to hear that. But I' afraid it is a fact that there will always be personality clashes. Are you sure you are not the victim of one of those. I have suffered from that myself in the past, when I was younger, so I know how it feels. I think I just had to develop a thick skin!! These days though I find I can get on with most people. Or perhaps I have just learned not to push things with those who don't like me.

Martin

[amptique]

Very well put, Martin. I had an unfortunate experience in my first full-time job out of graduate school. I usually get along well with most people but this fellow knew just what buttons to push to get me going. On more than one occasion we would stand toe-to-toe and just scream at each other. Very ugly. Finally, I decided that this was never, ever, going to happen again. The next time the buttons got pushed I gave no response in return. This fellow and I have now worked together for the past 25 years, have been business partners in one venture and are considering starting another. We consider each other to be friends.

Nicola, don't be too hard on yourself. Get guidance where you feel necessary and remember that there are very few situations that cannot be resolved. Life is too short to be consumed by such things.

Bests wishes,

Bill

[Elliot Kane]

Nicola...

I think what you really need more than anything else is to believe that you can do it. And you CAN! I've seen far worse cases than yours come good, trust me At the least, you are highly articulate and that's a great place to start from

[BenCMitchell]

Hi folks

I find it an incredible coincidence that Nicola started this thread about having different communication skills when I have started having communication problems with people at uni. People seem to take an instant dislike to me for some reason. Appearance maybe? Personality? I though Id make loads of friends here, as we all share a common interest, but instead I have almost become alienated from all others. I tried to convince myself that these feelings of being disliked were in my head, but I think its confirmed now. This is how - when I asked my flatmates what time they were going out they said in about an hour, so I stayed in my room tidying, getting ready etc, doing a bit of practice etc, but when the hour was up they were nowhere to be seen! I then got a message saying 'gone out'. from one of them. Thanks very much! Another indication of dislike is the fact that when I try and start a conversation they turn their heads and even walk out of the room! I suppose this is a good thing really though because it means I can focus all my attention on my studies and not have to think about anything else...

What have I supposed to have done to these people??

People say that university is the best time of your life. Not looking that way at the moment.....

Ben

P.S I'm sorry for taking all the attention away from Nicola's case, ('jumping on the band wagon') as I'm sure its much worse than my situation. The reason I say this now is that it seems like an ideal spot on the forum to discuss problems like these...

[nicola]

At the least, you are highly articulate and that's a great place to start from

This is actually much of the cause for the clash - I am the only staff member with a degree, and it turns out that having a degree is just one of the many things that they don't like me mentioning. I was basically told today that I have been rubbing up all the staff members the wrong way, and instead of telling me my errors, they all just told each other instead behind my back, and let it stew for over 10 months. It was only because I called this meeting and demanded feedback on my communication skills that any of this came to light.

I have to go into work tomorrow after having been told that none like me, and have been whispering and gossiping about me behind my back. Not many people would go back after that, but I must, due to money, and a potentially bad reference for future jobs. I'll have to muster up as much courage as I have.

Ben: I went through university not making any friends at all. I made one in the final year, but he turned into a psycho, and set my problems back further still. Although you may think that being left alone to your studies is an advantage, you may find your luck change in seminars and coursework when you are relentlessly thrown into groups.

And feel free to discuss your problems. It's always nice to learn that you are not alone, and ot some kind of freak.