Coping with loss.

[nicola]

Sorry for the low topic here. The majority of members here are a lot older and wiser than I am, and I imagine losing a loved one has happened more often than it has for me (although I hope not).

I am twenty four, and I have suffered my first loss. My Nan died an hour ago. The strange thing is, I was going to make a topic about her earlier on, about something slightly different because I needed advice. But that advice is now obsolete. I will ask anyway, if only to read experiences of others and come to terms with it all.


My original query was this: my grandmother had a stroke - she could not speak, could not move, she was completely dependent. This was strange, since although she was 86, she was a completely independent woman until Christmas last year. She had the main stroke just after Mother's day of this year.

My point is, I went to see her in her Care home, on my own. My parents told me she had taken a turn for the worse, so I thought I'd go and see her. I didn't tell anybody. I just went. The thing is, when I got there, I had no idea what to say, how to act, and I did the worst thing that I could possibly have done. I broke down. I just sat there, said nothing, cried, and with a huge effort, that took me 10 minutes to say, I told her I loved her.

I wanted to see her again, so I wanted to ask about how to handle this better. I don't think my Nan just wanted to watch me cry, whilst she was powerless to move or say anything. Obviously, there's no point to that now. I saw her merely hours before she died, and I blew it. I was one of the last people she saw in her entire life, and what comfort and what company was I?

Please share experiences. Please just say anything at all.

[grant]

Hi Nicola

First of all you didn't blow it, you went to see your nan on your own and that must have taken a lot of courage. No one can know how they will react when they face this situation for the first time - you were obviously very close and thought you knew how to react at this very difficult time. None of us really do.

So you cried, you showed emotion. Maybe your nan couldn't hear you say that you loved her, but your tears would have shown it more clearly than any words ever could.

Be happy for her Nicola - she's gone to a better place, carried there by your love.

God bless
Grant

[roger]

Dear Nicola,

I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss.

You ask what company you were in your Nan's final hours. The answer to that is simple. You were the very company that brought her great comfort. You were clearly close to one another and so she would have wanted to see you just as much as you wanted to be with her. No, you didn't blow it. You told her you loved her. She would like to have heard nothing better.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. Each of us is different. Some need close family, trusted friends, councellors; others need a little time on their own. You have already made your choice - you talked to your friends on the forum. I'm sure we have all suffered loss regardless of our age and so we know how you are feeling right now. As more and more members read your post, I am sure they will be thinking of you around the world.

I'm sure you have family and friends but if you wish to talk here, please do so. You are welcome to PM me if it would help. Either way, you are in my thoughts.

With love,
Roger x

[Dave]

Hi Nicola,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your nan, I can see that it's very upsetting for you, as it's bound to be.

But one thing you shouldn't worry about is your last visit to see her, the fact that you took the time to go and see her would have said it all to her, that you cared very much would have been clear. Finding the right words is not only difficult in that situation but is often impossible, I've "been there" myself and people really do understand.

The important thing is that you were there.

Dave

[martindn]

Hi Nicola,

Don't beat yourself up - you are human and that is what being human means. Sometimes you are overcome with emotion and lose it. I can remember seeing my own mum, in a coma for weeks after a stroke a few years ago. I don't think she was given much of a chance. Fortunately she made some sort of recovery, for which we thank God and the work of the modern stroke unit that treated her.
But I have lost family members too, some much to young. And it hurts. But I'm sure you did your best, and I'm sure your Nan will understand and forgive you.
You and your family will be in my prayers.

Martin

[nicola]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Just totally at a loss of everything. Don't really know what to do other than float around. I have been annoyed with myself because of my behaviour, but your words has eased that up a litte. Thank you. Best that can be done is for me and my family to be there for each other.

My jury service starts in nine hours for two weeks. I couldn't feel any less up to it.

[Dean McCarten]

Hi Nicola,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Please don't beat yourself up, I'm only 22 & I had a similar experience a few years ago with my granddad as when I told he was dying in the hospital where worked at the time.
I rushed to see him & I didn't know what to say to him at that time, I managed to tell him I loved him. Then I just held his hand until he passed away, but inside I was breaking my heart, but he knew I was there with him.
My most painful loss was 11 years ago when I lost my mother to cancer. I didn't know what to say or do as it was very unexpected. So I can understand your pain.

So if you just need somebody to talk too feel free to drop me a line as I know the coming weeks will be hard for you.

With Love
Dean x

[grant]

Hello again Nicola

Just wanted to share a story with you which I think might help ease your pain.

I lost my Dad a few years ago now, he spent his last weeks in hospital and latterly was not very lucid. I would go and sit with him for an hour each day just to 'do my duty' as it were.

The day he died was a Sunday and I had intended to go visit straight from church. A friend persuaded me to go for a coffee with her on the basis "What difference would an hour make?" (Little did she know bless her.

Well I went for coffee and went to visit Dad an hour later. I was there when he died, and, although we didn't really talk, he did at least know me and I witnessed the look of total peace on his face at the end.

It was very traumatic for me at the time, but has subsequently given me great peace to know that I was there at the end. I've never shared this publicly before.

The point is, Nicola, you were there at the end and I'm sure that will be of great comfort to you in days to come. Just think how you might have felt had you decided not to go.

Lots of love
Grant

[larryhauck]

Nicola,
My heart goes out to you for your loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your reactions were motivated by love and you had absolutely no control of your behavior. You reacted in a perfectly natural way.
One's first loss of a loved one is the hardest. None are easy; but at your age it's really tough. It is not out of the ordinary to second guess what you did or didn't do. Focus on all the happy memories you have of your nan. Stay close to your family and you will eventually get through your grief.
My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of loss.

God Bless You

Larry

[Caitlin]

Nicola,

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss.
You were very lucky to be with your Nan for that time and to be able to see her before she passed. I'm sure she loved you were there for even your presence is wonderful to someone whom you love and who loves you.

My thoughts are with you.

<3 Caitlin

[Ross]

I am sorry for your loss Nicola. When my Grandmother died suddenly I was away on holiday and didn't even have a chance to see her. So at least you got to say you loved her.

[Richard]

Hello Nicola.

I'm very sorry to hear about your sad loss. You shouldn't be upset about your reaction, because I'm sure your presence would have been a great comfort to your Nan during her final hours.

Love,

Richard x

[rockman]

Nicola

I feel really sorry for you - please accept my sincerest condolences for your loss. From what you say I think that deep down you know that you are behaving perfectly normally. What you are feeling is grief; this is natural and is part of the healing process. You can never replace your Grandmother, but at least you have the small consolation of knowing that you were there at the end for her.

Gerald

[dutchjoyce]

Nicola,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss,
and can understand your first reaction about it.
But there is something special, you have to keep in your mind....You were there!!
God bless, Joyce

[Jono]

Nicola,

I read your post at Uni today and it really saddened me. I started thinking about my grandparents, and loss. I'm not saying that you ruined my mood, you made me think about something we should all consider sometimes. I didn't have time to reply then because I was at Uni, but that gave me more time to think about this.

I only have one Grandparent left. One of my Grandfathers died long before I was born. My other grandfather died 10 years ago...I remember giving him a hug the day before he passed away, because I was "told to".. Back then, being a youngster, Granddad was just that mean old man who never let us grandchildren get away with the things our lovely Grandma did. Of course I was sad at his passing, but I never really got to know my Granddad that well. Now I'm really disappointed that I never got to know him when I was older and more mature...I'm convinced that his personality was quite like mine, and I would have loved to hear his stories about the war, and everything else that he did in his life. Even my Father doesn't have all the details that I want to know about Granddad now.

My Grandmother on the other side was the next to pass on, two or three years later. I also never got to know her that well because she lives far away. I certainly didn't get the chance to say "I love you" to her. Her funeral was very sad.. I was also disappointed I didn't get the chance to know her..

My Grandmother that is still with us today is the one that I referred to as lovely earlier. She is the one that I have the most childhood memories of. I used to love to go and stay at her place and hang out and play cards, do some baking, watch family movies, go to the beach with her and granddad, walk/ ride down to the shops... She was and still is an awesome person.

But I have to admit something which I am quite ashamed of.. I don't remember ever saying "I love you" to her... In fairness, it is not a phrase that I use commonly, but it is still very sad/ shaming...Of course I love my Grandma. I'm not sure how I would take her passing...I would be very, very sad.

Nicola, my condolences go out to you and your family. I'm sure your Nan knew that you loved her, and appreciated how sad it must be for you...she would have experienced the same feelings and pain during her lifetime.

Thanks for inspiring me to tell a small story about my experiences with my grandparents...I have never shared any of this with anyone else in the past. You have also made me want to rethink a few things.

Love,

Jono