Morecombe and Wise
Ernie: I’ve written a new play Eric. I’m quite proud of this one.
Eric: What’s it about?
Ernie: Its about the King of rock and roll!
Eric: Fred Astaire?
Ernie: Elvis Presley, you fool!
Eric: I saw him the other day in Sainsbury’s.
Ernie: How could you? He’s been dead for years!
Eric: Come to think of it, he wasn’t looking well.
Ernie: Mind you, some people think he’s still alive.
Eric: We had something in common, Elvis and I you know.
Ernie: What was that then?
Eric: You know he that he blew up his televisions when he didn’t like who was on it?
Ernie: You don’t think he did that when we was on did you?
Eric: No, he liked you Ern. I heard on the grapevine that you made him laugh.
Ernie: He liked my sophisticated style of humour then?
Eric: No, you just made him laugh. He thought you was a little pixie!
Ernie: You were saying about what you had in common?
Eric: Oh, yes. You know that he used to blow up televisions? Well, I used to throw bricks at mine when they wouldn’t tune to BBC2!
Ernie: I’ve got the script here for the play. Have a read of that!
Eric: ‘He was a legend during his lifetime and a bit after that. No one could make that pelvis swing like Elvis did. He owned the stage like he owned the world. No-one had talent, like what he had got!’ That is brilliant Ern! Pure genius!
Ernie: You really think so?
Eric: That is the next best thing to a Des O’Conner record!
Ernie: Thank you! Thank you!……Wait a minute! You hate Des O’Conner records….. and so do I!
Eric: That’s not fair Ern, there are good things about Des O’Conner records.
Ernie: Like What?
Eric: There great if you have an headache. The excruciating sound takes your mind of it!
Ernie: Look, never mind that, I need to find an actor who can play Elvis. Any ideas?
Eric: Mickey Rooney?
Ernie: Mickey Rooney? What kind of a suggestion is that?
Eric: You come up with someone better then!
Ernie: I’ll have to wont I? You are useless at giving advice!
Eric: I’ve given good advice to you, Ern.
Ernie: Like when?
Eric: Remember that time we went to Spain on holiday? We took a wrong turn and ended up in a bullring?
Ernie: Yes I think I remember that.
Eric: There was a bull in the ring. A big, big bull.
Ernie: Yes I think its coming back to me.
Eric: You were wearing that crimson shirt I bought you, remember?
Ernie: Oh yes, now I remember! That bull wasn’t half giving me a rotten stare!
Eric: It started to charge at us, and do you remember what I said?
Ernie: You said ‘RUN’!
Eric: If that’s not giving good advice, I don‘t what is!
Ernie: Ok, do you have another suggestion as to who should play Elvis?
Eric: Meryl Streep.
Ernie: Now you just being ridiculous!
Eric: Why not Meryl Streep? Fine figure of a man.
Ernie: I was going to give you a part in this play but I don’t think I will now!
Eric: Your being horrible, Ern. You were the same with toys.
Ernie: What are you on about.. toys?
Eric: You had all the best toys! The best toy I had was a Barbie doll!
Ernie: Yeah, why was it your mother only let you have girls toys?
Eric: She thought Action Man was too violent. Barbie was a lot nicer, she said. It was a wonder I didn’t go funny! If you hadn’t invited me round to play with your toys, my life may of taken a different turn!
Ernie: I had an Action Man.
Eric: You had everything Ern, and you still weren’t satisfied. You stole Barbie from me!
Ernie: Don’t be ridiculous!
Eric: They were going to get married, Barbie and Action Man. The arrangements had been made. The venue had been set - they were going to marry in the sand pit. All the guests were there: Old McDonald and all his farm animals; Tyrannosaurus Rex and Stegosaurus were there but had to be separated because they started fighting; Cowboys and Indians, who behaved themselves, despite a stray arrow landing on Spiderman’s foot.
Yes there were all there. Barbie was dressed in a satin and looked beautiful. Action Man was dressed in Khaki. Superman was just about to marry them off when I was called in for my tea.
Ernie: So?
Eric: So, when I came back, Action Man and Barbie had gone! You told me Action Man had been called to duty and Barbie had run off with G.I Joe. Yanks stealing our women again!
Ernie: I have a confession to make! I accidentally trod on Barbie. So I hid the evidence. I’m sorry Eric.
Eric: Ern, I have something to say. I’m glad you’re sitting down because it might startle you.
Ernie: I’m stood up!
Eric: Are you sure?
Ernie: Yes!
Eric: I forgive you Ern!
Ernie: Well, I wasn’t expecting that! You do realise all this business about the toys only happened a few years ago!
Eric: Yes, we had a very sheltered up-bringing.
Ernie: I tell you what, you can play the part of Elvis if you want.
Eric: But I’m too tall and I don’t have pointy ears!
Ernie: Elvis, not Elves!
