Hayley Humor

[fusilier23]

So, Hayley decided to take Odyssey on tour in the Far East. She was booked to appear in Tokyo, Kyoto, Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Bangkok, finishing with a little three-day jaunt in Bali before returning home. She packed her ski outfit for the slopes at Sapporo, a sleek but modest black swimsuit for the beach at Bali, and a folding cart for the shopping in Hong Kong.

As she finished up and was about to shut her luggage, Gerald entered the room and told her "Mind you, dear, don't forget your compass."

Surprised, Hayley asked "But Dad, what do I need a compass for?"

Said Gerald "In case you get dis-ORIENT-ed."

Wocka! Wocka!

[Raymond]

Hayley is going to Hong Kong? That's great.

[fusilier23]

Ummm, sorry, this is just a joke. But that isn't to say she won't come one of these days.

[Raymond]

That's ok.

[fusilier23]

Hayley recently signed up to do a concert in Plymouth, UK, reasoning that now would be the time to do a seaside gig before the bad weather started kicking up over the Channel. Unbeknownst to her, Plymouth is also the headquarters of the Royal Navy, and that same weekend NATO and some like-minded nations were holding a conference on "Terrorism on the Seas" and other security issues at the navy's Citadel in that city. Of course the base couldn't house all these admirals and high captains properly, so some had taken rooms in the better hotels in town.

The morning of her sound check, Hayley awoke, did her morning workout, ate quickly, and headed out almost before her coffee had kicked in. Seeing a man in a smart uniform standing before the hotel entrance, she called, "Oh doorman, call me a cab, please!"

The man turned, and she found herself facing a stern-looking American naval officer with three stars on each shoulder. With gray eyes that pierced he said, "My dear, I think you ought to know, I'm not a doorman, I am an admiral!"

Uh oh, thought Hayley. Thinking quickly, she said, "Ummm. I'm sorry. Call me a boat then?"

[Richard]

Hello Steven!

If Hayley ever asks me to call her a cab I will say, "Certainly Hayley. You're a cab!"

Exit, stage left!

Richard

[fusilier23]

::)Oh, buh-RUTH-ah!

Hayley was between gigs in the UK and Sophie came to stay for a few days. Both saw the broadcasts from the US as to what Hurricane Katrina had done. Being charitable people, they decided to use their old talent of busking to see if they could get together some money to contribute that very day. So they snagged a guitarist and keyboardist and hit the street. Of course everyone recognized Hayley and Sophie and donated what they could.

After four sets, they were getting tired and the hat was full, so they decided to go buy a money order and post it off to one of the charities, then they'd head back to Hayley's place, cook dinner, and have some sister time. As they headed toward the post office, they popped into a fishmonger's shop to pick up some salmon for dinner, since Hayley only had veggies at home. As they packed up their purchase, Sophie took one more crack and asked the shopkeeper if he would like to donate also. He snarled no and told them to get out.

Back on the street, Sophie was about to cry because her feelings were hurt , but Hayley told her "Chin up, sis, you shouldn't have expected anything from him."

"Why?" asked Sophie.

"His business makes him selfish (sell fish)." i.postimg.cc/9fYxy370/smilie-big-grin.gif

(honks horn) Wocka! Wocka!

[Raymond]

Thank you. I love this one.

Cheers,
Raymond

[Joe]

Hi Steven,

Thanks for these, they are quite funny! See you in five weeks:

[baxfield7]

Well, I suppose I would call Hayley a cab.

She can call me anything she likes as long as she calls me ! (In my dreams !) With the exception of "an old perv". I do hate being called Old !!

Barrie

[fusilier23]

Hayley got her first car, a silver Lexus. She really wanted to go someplace, anyplace, so she packed a basket, bundled Sophie and Isaac aboard, and they headed to a coastal spot she knew of that was ideal for a picnic.

As she drove along the road, something stirred up some of the local fowl, and suddenly a cloud of NZ petrels fluttered across the road in front of her. She stomped on the brake as hard as she could, but to no avail, she bumped one of the petrels and sent him spinning across the road, right onto the hood of a nearby police car.

The officer was not amused. Immediately he pulled Hayley over and issued her a summons. Hayley protested, "But officer, I wasn't speeding and I didn't cross the centre line, why are you ticketing me?"

The officer glared at Hayley and said "Miss Westenra, no one flips me the bird and gets away with it."

[fusilier23]

As Hayley got more and more famous, she and her family decided to get a place outside London proper for the time she was in the UK, to improve privacy when it was needed. So they shopped around outside the city. Hayley fell in love with a place called Marbleton Manor, which had been left standing empty by the death of the previous owner. She was attracted to the fact that part of the house dated back to the Norman conquest and the cellar was thought to date back as far as Roman Britain.

They settled in that summer, and everything was fine, but when they returned that winter for Hayley to start promoting her international Christmas album, they very quickly found the place to be too cold to be comfortable. Though each room had a fireplace, they all hated the smell of wood smoke, so they called in a contractor to discuss the possibility of the installation of central heating.

"Sorry, mate," said the contractor to Gerald after looking the place over, "If I try to install it the basement'll cave in, and the whole place'll be a wash."

Gerald sighed, thanked him, and went to give Jill and the kids the bad news.

"It's ok, Dad," said Hayley, "I should have known we couldn't have archaic and heat it too."

[fusilier23]

Although Hayley was raised middle class, she had plenty of working-class friends. One of her dearest, though they never became more than friends, was James, whose father worked in the coal industry. After they both finished primary education at 16, James shouldered his pickaxe and followed in his father's footsteps. Unfortunately, while Hayley was away, a grand piano being transported to Christchurch fell from a truck, rolled into the mine shaft, and crushed James to death.

Broken-hearted, Hayley dealt with the loss of her friend by writing a song in his memory.

It was called "Lament in A Flat Miner"

Wocka! Wocka!

[ashotinthedark]

You have a great sense of humor, man. I seriously thought these were real, hilarious incidents until the piano joke.

[stevemacdonald]

Here's a song parody I wrote to bemoan the conditions at recent concerts:


Rows and rows of "Divettes" there
All tossing undies in the air
Online companions evr'ywhere
I’ve looked at crowds that way

But now they only block the fun
They ruin the show for ev’ryone
Those Hayley songs I missed were done
When crowds got in my way
I’ve looked at crowds from both sides now
So please sit down, don't take a bow
It’s crowds' intrusions I recall
I really don’t like crowds at all